Not Paying Attention to Star Trek

Yesterday I came home and my boyfriend was watching some TV, and it turns out it was Star Trek, and he said ‘didn’t you have a blog about Star Trek?’ and I said ‘I don’t think so?’ Then I opened Tumblr and it turns out I do have a blog about Star Trek!

This is a recap of the episode I watched.

It starts when the space friends are asked to go check out a colony. A bunch of them beam down to a sound stage that looks like a big crater.

We’re given, like, two seconds to figure out that (a) the space friends expected to find a city instead of a crater and (b) that’s a big problem before they cut to the opening titles, so I found it hard to be really sad.

The space friends decided to call the space principal.

That’s our sassy grandpa!

The space principal/sassy grandpa brought this lady with him.

She has some really intense Steel Magnolias hair going on. She knows there’s no such thing as natural beauty. She just hates Ouiser Boudreaux.  Pink is her signature colour. Okay, I’m going to stop now.

The following exposition happens:

• Riker, the most beautiful man in the cosmos, has been offered several ships of his own,
• BUT! he turned them down
• He’s been offered another one,
• and Space Shelby thinks she’s going to be the new Riker

Riker invites Space Shelby to 1700 hours, AKA 5pm (does no one actually WORK on the Enterprise?) so they can establish their tense, competitive relationship and so the audience can enjoy Data in an old timey visor.

Never change, Data! Meanwhile, Wesley is wearing his very own uniform. He looks pleased.

What a special, special boy.

Needless to say, Space Shelby beats Riker just to up the sexual tension.

Later Riker talks about his feelings to Deanna because they have the most confusing relationship on television. Are they, like, together? Are they not together? Has the Federation shed monogamy along with money and racism as another unnecessary impediment to their space utopia? I DO NOT GET IT.

Anyway, Space Shelby reckons the colony disappeared (remember the crater that was supposed to be a city? me neither) because of the Borg. I’ve skipped ahead pretty far, but I still know what a Borg is for the same reasons I know what a Dalek is - they’re part of the soupy pop cultural ectoplasm we’re all immersed in.

Here is what I know about the Borgs: they fly around space in a giant cube wearing neato cybergoth getups and that’s about it? Anyway, they show up in their big cube, and then it’s all PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW

ZAP ZAP ZAP POW! It’s SUPER EXCITING, YOU GUYS! You can tell because Jordi has to do this for some reason!

The space friends fly into some purple with the Borg in hot pursuit.

But the Borg FIND THEM and TAKE PICARD! DRAMA!

So now Riker is Liam Neeson and Picard is his daughter I guess? Anyway, the Borgs turn Picard into a Borg.

TO BE CONTINUED.

I totally didn’t understand this episode at all, and that’s not just because my housemate offered me chocolate and coffee some time near the beginning and I wandered away for 10 minutes to eat chocolate and drink coffee and now it’s quarter past 11 and here’s a photo of me

Anyway, Riker and Worf are having Turkish Star Wars quality time in the holodeck.

So you’d think it’s a Worf-is-an-angry-Klingon episode, right? Lots of angry Worf and people talking about how Worf needs to chill out on the rageaholism and Data won’t understand it and I’ll be sort of disappointed that we didn’t get more ragey Worf?

Welp, this stupid space hole showed up and ruined it all.

Eugh, you’re the WORST. Stupid space hole.

I’m going to pick out all the bits where Worf is about to do battle.

Here ends the battle Worf scenes.

Oh, and this guy shows up

and does this to this guy.

NO STARS, SPACE HOLE.

Where was I? I did actually watch the entire first season but I was so distracted I couldn’t tell you what happened. I think we learned some lessons about friendship and democracy? Maybe? Or racism? Or substance abuse?

Either way, it’s nice to see you again, The Enterprise!

Riker has new facial hair because facial hair isn’t a problem in the Federation. TOLERANCE.

OH MY GOODNESS WORF I MISSED YOU!

Wesley, who is a very special boy, is doing computer things and Geordie is now chief engineer. Good for you, Geordie! Wanna be pals on LinkedIn?

While we’re all getting reacquainted with the gang there’s an unexpected power fluctuation and this weird space light shows up and flies around the ship.

Must be a space friend of theirs. The space light goes to visit a person who’s asleep under a rad sequin duvet and UH OH IT’S DEANNA.

Then, in order:

Whoopi Goldberg

New ship doctor

And - SHOCK TWIST - pregnant Deanna! Wait, since when did the Enterprise have a bar with Whoopi Goldberg as a bartender and a new doctor and is it ship policy for every pregnancy to be announced to Jean Luc in the bar? I TOTALLY DON’T GET IT.

Riker and his beard are shocked.

They have this meeting in a conference room and the doctor says she’s done two ‘complete examinations’ of Deanna and then shows these videos of twitching, live foetuses and is it my imagination or does this grossly violate doctor patient confidentiality? Also, the twitching foetus is kinda bothersome.

EUGH TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

Unsurprisingly, the foetus is growing super super fast and everyone is debating what to do. Worf is all WE MUST ABORT and SECURITY RISK and Deanna is all MY BODY MY CHOICE.

It only takes a scene or two before Deanna is giving birth, and she chooses Data to be her doula.

Good choice!

Do I even need to tell you that the baby grows up super super fast?

His name is Ian and he’s upsettingly precocious. ‘Please don’t worry,’ he says to Jean Luc, ‘everything will be okay!’

KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Fun fact: the Enterprise primary school has a puppy pit full of puppies, and Jean Luc has never played with puppies.

Wait, also apparently Wesley is thinking of leaving the Enterprise or he has to for school? He has a long conversation with Whoopi Goldberg in the Enterprise bar and implies that Whoopi Goldberg and the bar have always been there, derr.

She pep talks him into staying with the Enterprise, so there’s that.

Eventually Deanna’s creepy kid admits that he’s a ‘life force entity’ who passed by Enterprise, got curious, and decided to be born as a human or a betazoid or whatever and everyone chuckles and is like ‘that’s our crazy life force entity’ and the kid sez KTHXBAI and turns back into a light and flies away.

I spent yesterday running around a park with a bunch of Swedish people playing brännboll, which is the game Swedes invented after reading the Wikipedia entry for baseball, and it meant that I was pretty tired when I came home so I’m not really sure what this episode is about but whatevs.

The Space Friends are sent to check up on this planet that some people are terraforming because they haven’t been returning calls from Star Fleet and Star Fleet are very worried. Troi explains that terraformers are basically obsessive weirdoes because we need to get our expectations straight before Picard gets on to the Space Skype. This is the guy who appears on Space Skype.

That’s our crazy grandpa!

Grandpa is all crotchety because he’s missing ‘Matlock’ or something, and tells the Space Friends he wasn’t expecting them and who are you and get lost. Troi says grandpa is hiding something. This is her mind reading face.

Message received, Deanna.

The Space Friends go down to see what grandpa is hiding. Here is his house. I wonder how much rent is?

All the terraformers wear these amazing Rick Owens jackets and I really want one.

This sexy lady talks for ages and ages and ages about terraforming and it’s SUPER SUPER BORING. I actually fell asleep and only woke up when this poor guy got laser drilled to death.

Laser drills give Riker intense face.

They take all of the terraformers back to the Enterprise, mostly so Picard and grandpa can have a scenery chewing contest. The pretty lady is really sad, so Troi (!!) suggests that Riker go ‘comfort’ her because Riker and Troi have a confusing and dysfunctional relationship.

There is no problem that can’t be solved by putting Riker and a distressed woman alone in a darkened room.

Geordi and Data go back to the planet to check out the malfunctioning drill, and they discover this mysterious flashing light down a hole. There is also this shot that I won’t comment on.

Geordi and Data kidnap one of these lights and take it back to the medical lab so everyone can stand around and look at it.

The light things are alive? But they’re not? Because they’re made out of silicone? Like a non-stick heatproof spatula? Which is a truly essential kitchen tool? Because you can use it to scrape out stuff but it also really withstands heat? So you’ll understand why I’ve decided to call these lights the Spatula People.

Here are some close ups of the Spatula People.

Hi, Spatula People!

Anyway, the Spatula People are - natch - pissed about the terraformers laser drilling them. They do a bunch of stuff to the Enterprise to express their disapproval and everyone stumbles around like this.

They put the Spatula People back and I guess they’re happy.

Okay, here’s what happened: I watched this episode, like, a month ago, thinking I’d write a post on it, then I didn’t get around to it because it turns out I have trouble committing to projects in the long term. I tried rewatching it the other night but fell asleep. This is a problem because I actually keep notes on what to gif and screencap and junk, but you don’t want to know how the sausage is made, you just want delicious sausage.

Anyway, this episode was all about how Wesley Crusher is a very clever, very special boy who everyone loves very very much. Let’s all bask in Wesley’s glory.

More specifically, the Space Friends get a Space Skype from this mysterious planet that - how do I put this - usually hides behind a Harry Potter space invisibility cloak but has decided they want to hang out with the Space Friends. The Space Friends are all SOUNDS LEGIT LET’S GET A DRINK OR SOMETHING. Data point: mystery planet lady is rocking a side braid, which is very ‘on trend’ for someone from the future.

Anyway, the mystery planet people steal all the kids from the Enterprise because they can’t have their own, including the very clever, very special Wesley. Here are my favourite Enterprise kids, in order.

1. Handshake girl.

2. Lute Girl

3. Awkward Stage Girl

There was once a time when parents gave their children perms and then allowed their be-permed children to appear on national television.

Anyhoozle, the mystery planet people are all super dependent on this ancient high tech computer that none of them know how to use. I WONDER WHO FIGURES OUT HOW THE COMPUTER WORKS.

CRUSHERED.

I can’t really remember what happens in the rest of the episode. I think it goes Wesley fixes the computer > makes the people of mystery planet fertile again > the kids of the Enterprise hunger strike to be sent home > they go home > the end? Either way, I’m sure all the kids get to go home and Awkward Stage girl eventually grows out that perm.

In this episode the space friends go back the docking station station to download the latest firmware update for the Enterprise. 

For some reason they don’t just click ‘update now’ in the software updater dialogue and instead bring in this short alien lesbian couple (‘they’re a bonded pair - this is 01, and this is 10’) we get to experience another Great Moment in Star Trek Jumpsuits.

Werk it.

Speaking of Great Moments in Star Trek Jumpsuits.

Something something space sport something something ‘We will defeat our enemies!’ something something ‘Oh Worf!’ something something ‘THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP SCORE?’ Every episode needs more Worf. 

Everyone’s supposed to be taking downtime while the nice space lesbians work on the ship’s computer. Geordi is teaching Data how to paint. 

Nice, but needs more Worf. 

Much better.

The nice space lesbians fixed the holodeck so it doesn’t go crazy, so Riker decides to have a little ‘me time’ with a holodeck lady who can best be described as what would happen if you crossed Siri with a RealDoll. Here she is seducing Riker by touching his mouth.

‘My name is Minuet,’ she says, ‘and I like all jazz except dixieland.’ That is an actual line of dialogue. 

I sincerely hope the Enterprise janitors do a thorough cleaning of the holodeck after Riker’s done with it. 

Jean Luc shows up and hangs out as if making out with a video game is a totally acceptable thing.

Anyway, there’s some kind of gas leak on the Enterprise and they evacuate everyone, and then the nice space lesbians steal the ship. Not cool, ladies.

But that’s okay, because Riker and Jean Luc steal it back the end.

In this episode the space friends visit a planet run by women because apparently this ship went missing years ago and they think the survivors might be on the planet and they’re only now going to pick them up. Seriously, that’s what’s going on, so I spent the entire episode wondering why it took Star Fleet YEARS to go pick up these lost people from that planet. I mean, my mum was once half an hour late picking me up from hockey practice and that was enough to give me a lifelong abandonment complex, so I shudder to think what years on an alien planet would do.

Anyway, on this planet women rule and men drool. This prompts Worf to say that Klingons ‘appreciate strong women.’

I can only imagine that’s the blonde one’s ‘my body is ready’ face, and ew.

Here is Riker’s ‘prepare for snoo snoo’ face.

Oh, and Wesley and his silent friend wear these crazy adorable matching outfits to go skiing on the holodeck.

SPACE JUMPSUITS FOREVER!!

As official head bitch in charge, Deanna goes down to the planet to negotiate for the return of those poor abandoned people. Worf goes down because he ‘likes strong women,’ and Riker joins them for snoo snoo.

Speaking of snoo snoo…

THIS OUTFIT THIS OUTFIT THIS OUTFIT THIS OUTFIT THIS OUTFIT.

‘Actually, it’s quite comfortable,’ he says, adjusting his embroidered silk codpiece. ‘Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all, nothing at all, NOTHING AT ALL!’

Deanna and the blonde one basically just give him to one of the ‘strong women’ as a kind of sexual plaything, but he’s a good sport about it.

Meanwhile, everyone’s getting sick on the Enterprise. You can tell because Jean Luc rubs his neck like this.

Poor Jean Luc. Later on we see him lying in bed shirtless and shivering while Beverly looks after him. +1 for shirtless Jean Luc, but he seriously needs to start taking some vitamin C or something because his immune system sucks.

While Riker does his Midnight Cowboy duty the others find the missing people. One of them looks a lot like Macgyver.

I’m not quite sure how this episode resolved itself because I lost interest after Riker put his uniform back on. I’m sure it all worked out in the end.

This episode is all about Data. In the beginning Data is practicing his sneezing and he makes faces like this.

Some other things happen in this episode, but this is the most important.

The second most important is DISEMBODIED DATA BUTT.

Let me back up. The space friends are making a quick visit to the planet Data comes from because Data came from a planet and not Foxconn? They go down to the planet that isn’t Foxconn to say hi to Data’s folks, and Riker puts his foot on a rock because that’s what Riker does.

Everything’s dead on the planet, which must be a bummer for Data. But, good news, Data’s located the spot where he was found!

Wait, found? So Star Fleet have been using a robot they found in some planet’s hard rubbish as an officer? They must have money issues or something.

Anyway, Riker finds a secret door which leads to a creepy underground laboratory. No one’s there, but it’s obvs a Data factory, because Data finds the mould they used to make his face.

That isn’t upsetting at all, right?

Anyway, they figure out that all the spare parts above are a Data in the original packaging, and Data insists they unbox it and take it back to the Enterprise so he can meet his ‘brother.’

Apparently a Data unboxing requires really dim lighting.

Long story short, second Data is evil. The reason why all the people on that planet are dead is that evil Data met a giant life-devouring space crystal on eHarmony and they totally hit it off, and evil Data was all ‘you wanna devour some life? There’s plenty of life on this planet, come here!’ Now that he’s awake he wants to see his giant space crystal again so he calls it to the notoriously lively Enterprise. Here is the space crystal.

Again, in all seriousness, the visual effects on TNG were so gorgeous.

Wesley and Data defeat evil Data, because no evildoer can withstand the meddling of a boy and his robot. Evil Data beams himself out to be with his crystal so I guess everyone’s happy.