Yesterday I came home and my boyfriend was watching some TV, and it turns out it was Star Trek, and he said ‘didn’t you have a blog about Star Trek?’ and I said ‘I don’t think so?’ Then I opened Tumblr and it turns out I do have a blog about Star Trek!
This is a recap of the episode I watched.
It starts when the space friends are asked to go check out a colony. A bunch of them beam down to a sound stage that looks like a big crater.
We’re given, like, two seconds to figure out that (a) the space friends expected to find a city instead of a crater and (b) that’s a big problem before they cut to the opening titles, so I found it hard to be really sad.
The space friends decided to call the space principal.
That’s our sassy grandpa!
The space principal/sassy grandpa brought this lady with him.
She has some really intense Steel Magnolias hair going on. She knows there’s no such thing as natural beauty. She just hates Ouiser Boudreaux. Pink is her signature colour. Okay, I’m going to stop now.
The following exposition happens:
- Riker, the most beautiful man in the cosmos, has been offered several ships of his own,
- BUT! he turned them down
- He’s been offered another one,
- and Space Shelby thinks she’s going to be the new Riker
Riker invites Space Shelby to 1700 hours, AKA 5pm (does no one actually WORK on the Enterprise?) so they can establish their tense, competitive relationship and so the audience can enjoy Data in an old timey visor.
Never change, Data! Meanwhile, Wesley is wearing his very own uniform. He looks pleased.
What a special, special boy.
Needless to say, Space Shelby beats Riker just to up the sexual tension.
Later Riker talks about his feelings to Deanna because they have the most confusing relationship on television. Are they, like, together? Are they not together? Has the Federation shed monogamy along with money and racism as another unnecessary impediment to their space utopia? I DO NOT GET IT.
Anyway, Space Shelby reckons the colony disappeared (remember the crater that was supposed to be a city? me neither) because of the Borg. I’ve skipped ahead pretty far, but I still know what a Borg is for the same reasons I know what a Dalek is - they’re part of the soupy pop cultural ectoplasm we’re all immersed in.
Here is what I know about the Borgs: they fly around space in a giant cube wearing neato cybergoth getups and that’s about it? Anyway, they show up in their big cube, and then it’s all PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW
ZAP ZAP ZAP POW! It’s SUPER EXCITING, YOU GUYS! You can tell because Jordi has to do this for some reason!
The space friends fly into some purple with the Borg in hot pursuit.
But the Borg FIND THEM and TAKE PICARD! DRAMA!
So now Riker is Liam Neeson and Picard is his daughter I guess? Anyway, the Borgs turn Picard into a Borg.
TO BE CONTINUED.